


Say you hate me

by Humanity_Strongest_001, Levi__Acker_Gay



Series: The suffering of Alec Lightwood [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Break Up, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:08:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24374041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humanity_Strongest_001/pseuds/Humanity_Strongest_001, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levi__Acker_Gay/pseuds/Levi__Acker_Gay
Summary: The words Alec wanted to say were right there, on the tip of his tongue, but he had always been bad with words. What he actually said, made him want to hang up, curl up and die.Crappy title and summary, I'm sorry bout that, please forgive me.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: The suffering of Alec Lightwood [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742491
Comments: 16
Kudos: 79





	Say you hate me

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like and enjoy reading it.😏  
> Please leave some suggestions in the comments if you would like to read anything else and like my writing style 😂😜😉
> 
> Gifted to brightasstars, as I love her work <3  
> (just hope this is good enough)

Alec had called Magnus again, hoping the warlock would pick up. But he was wary, doubtful that his ex would answer. The twenty three missed calls and unanswered texts proved that.

The words "Aku cinta kamu" played through his mind. The last words Magnus had said before the break up, those last words that gave Alec hope.

Hope, that was currently dwindling.

The phone rang a couple of times before it was answered.

Wait, answered! Shit!

Alec did a double take, surprise and shock crossing his face.

"What do you want Alec?" Magnus finally asked, breaking the awkward silence, in a hostile tone that dripped with venom.

'Alec, not Alexander' he thought, 'he must truly hate me,' not that he blamed him.

Alec flinched at the harsh tone, but told himself that he deserved it. "Hi" Alec finally managed pathetically. He heard Magnus sigh. Alec spoke up again, "please Magnus. I love you. I didn't mean-" Magnus cut him off, "shut up Alec, I don't want to hear it."

The words Alec wanted to say were right there, on the tip of his tongue, but he had always been bad with words. What he actually said, made him want to hang up, curl up and die.

"Say you hate me."

"What?!" Magnus exclaimed, surprise clear in his voice.

"Say you hate me, and I won't... I won't message, or call. I promise."

"Alec, are you sure I-"

Alec cut Magnus off, "please" he whispered, "please Mags, I need to hear it, to help me stop annoying you" Alec chuckled sadly "It'll make me stop acting like a love-sick puppy... Like a fool, so please..." he trailed off.

Magnus paused for several moments "I hate you Alexander. I don't want to see you or your insufferable friends again, I don't want to see your hideous face as well" he added like an afterthought.

Magnus hung up.

Alec dropped the phone onto the bed, as if it had hurt him. He hadn't expected Magnus to actually say those words, or to call him hideous.

'Well, it must be true' he thought, 'otherwise he wouldn't have said it. Magnus doesn't lie.'

Alec felt tears well up in his blue eyes. He stood and shuffled to the small bathroom. He splashed some cold water onto his face. Alec glanced up, into the mirror.

He studied his face: ugly pale blue eyes, in a blotchy face. The words "hideous" and "mistake" and "failure" plaguing his thoughts.  
He had dark shadows beneath hjs eyes and his black hair hung limp.

'Hideous' he thought 'he definately was'.

Guilt tore through his chest, leaving a burning path in its wake. 'Poor Magnus, having to put up with such an aesthetically displeasing boyfriend. At least he didn't see tbe rest of his body much. He definitely would have broken up with me then.'

The odd mix of guilt and sympathy turned to anger. Anger directed inwards, on himself. He was selfish, stupid, a failure and a mistake. He was hideous. Both inside and out.

He couldn't look himself in the eye, instead, he mad a fist and slammed it into the mirror. It shattered, and glass rained down, some embedding into the pale skin of his knuckles.

The pain dulled the hurricane of thoughts. 'He needed more' he thought, 'he deserved more.'

Alec sat at the edge of the bathtub, more like the edge of oblivion. He rolled up the faded black sweater. He picked up the sharpest mirror shard, gripping it tighyly, hard enough to cut into the skin of his right palm. Alec pressed the shard to the soft flesh of his left forearm, where he knew there was a lot of nerves.

The first cut wasn't deep, but it smarted like a bitch. Ands trembling slightly as the cacophony of thoughts reared up again. He placed the shard ad harf as he dared, and dragged it through the white flesh.  
It weeped blood instantly. He cut again anf again, each cut deeper than the last, until he had six straight bloody lines.

He quickly fumbled for the first aid kit in the cabinet under the sink, and took out the roll of bandages. He wiped the cuts with a dark towel and bandaged the wounds as tiger as he could with one hand.

When the wounds were covered as best he could manage, he cleared up the bits of broken mirror, pocketing the sharp one he used to cut with.

He cleaned the drops of blood that managed to evade the towel, and stepped back.  
He admired his handiwork. A grim smile turning up the corners if his mouth. But the hatred was still in his eyes.

He splashed some more cold water onto his still red face, washing away tears, he didn't realise he cried.

He left the bathroom, switching the light off, and closing the door quietly, not wanting to gain the attention of Jace and Izzy.

He lay down on the bed, next to the phone, arm still throbbing, but the voices in his heaf quiet.

'He could survive like this,' he thought, 'or he could at least pretend. As long as he could hurt himself.'

**Author's Note:**

> Please kudos and comment if you liked it ❤️🥰  
> Please correct any mistakes in the comments  
> Thanks for reading it  
> Suggestions are also welcome, as I haven't got any more ideas for this series


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